LeBron James Sabotages The Jewish People

LeBron James was blamed for getting his coach David Blatt fired. Many people in Israel were upset because Blatt lived there for 20 years. Of course, this isn’t the first time LeBron has done something to upset the Jewish People.

Take a look at this photo. The guy on the right is Israeli basketball player Omri Casspi. LeBron is refusing to give him the ball.

And who can forget back in 1994 at the Oslo Accords, the peace deal between Israel and Palestine.

LeBron tried desperately to prevent Yitzhak Rabin from signing that deal, arriving moments after their epic handshake. You might be thinking “Hey, LeBron was too late. We can’t blame him for the deal failing.” But when millions of American kids see their NBA hero try to stop a peace accord, you know they’re not going to throw their support behind it in the critical years that follow.

If that were the extent of it, I would say it’s nothing. But this is a pattern of behavior. Who can forget this iconic image of Moses parting the Red Sea?

Of course, if we scroll back just a little bit...we see LeBron is actively trying to bring the waters back down on top of the Chosen People.

And finally, who can forget 2015? As the year began, everyone in America agreed that "Trainwreck" was the movie to beat. There was no doubt it would outgross "Star Wars." And it would also launch Judaism’s last hope, Amy Schumer, into super-stardom. That was until they got a load of LeBron James acting.

Let us hope LeBron James is stopped soon--or instead, traded to a team with a Jewish owner. That way his antics could be punished where it hurts most, in his wallet. The NBA team with a Jewish owner is the….Milwaukee Bucks, under owner Herb Kohl. Also, the Heat, Bulls, Mavericks, Suns, Hawks, Clippers, Thunder, Warriors, Pacers, Rockets...and Cleveland--the team he’s on. Nevermind.

Thanksgiving Advice: How to Tell If Your Daughter’s College Boyfriend Is Actually a Family of Syrian Refugees

If your daughter brings home a pretentious college boy this Thanksgiving, you're obligated to pretend to like him. But if she compassionately brings home a family of Syrian refugees, you don’t have to stand for that. Here are 6 questions you should ask to help suss out whether this is a freshman fling or a fearful family from Fairouzeh.

1.  Would You Like Some Pork?

• • If they say no because they’re on the 30-Day Halal Diet, it’s a dipshit college boy.
  • If they say pork is not halal, but they’ll make an exception because they have not had a nutritious meal in over two years, they’re a refugee family. Kick them out.

2. What Are You Studying?

• • If they don’t answer because they weren’t planning on declaring before their 5th year, it’s a college boy.
  • If they don’t answer because formal education was previously forbidden, they’re a refugee family. Show them the door.

3. What’s Your Biggest Fear?

• • If they say spiders, it’s a college boy.
  • If they name a particular species of spider, the sound it makes, and the hours it hunts, they’re a refugee family. Kindly tell them they’re not welcome.

4. What Are You Thankful For?

• • If they say “just being here,” and you believe them, it’s a refugee family. Send them packing.

5. Who Are You Rooting For in the Football Game?

• • This is a hard one. If they say “to me, football actually means soccer,” it could either be a pretentious college student or a refugee family. So ask a follow up....

5a. Which Soccer Team Do You Like?

• • If they say Manchester United, it’s a pretentious college boy.
  • If they say Tottenham Hotspur, they’re a refugee family. Forcibly remove them.

6. What Are Your Intentions With My Daughter?

• • If they tense up, silenced by the thought of commitment, it’s a college boy.
  • If they say they are grateful to your daughter and this country, and hope to be close to both for the rest of their life, they’re a refugee family. Fuck ‘em.

Thanks to Jordan Mendoza for the top image.

I Refuse To Let Some Activist Judge Tell Me That Warner Brothers Doesn’t Own “Happy Birthday.” - By Curtis Raye

I own the Chevys in Le Mars, Iowa. When you eat here your birthday, expect to hear one thing: “Happy, happy birthday from all the Chevys crew. We wish it was our birthday, so we could party, too!” 

We don’t sing the original “Happy Birthday” song because that belongs to Warner Brothers. Yes, I’m aware that a US District Court recently revoked Warner Brothers’ rights to it, but I will not let some unelected judge tell me what is and isn’t copyrighted. 

Like many children, I was taught in Sunday school that Patty Smith Hill and her sister Mildred J. Hill wrote “Happy Birthday to You” in 1893, then assigned the rights to Clayton F. Summy. The successor to Summy’s company then sold them, in 1988, to Warner/Chappell Music Inc.

 Here are more things believe: 

Decisions about who owns songs should be left up to individual chain restaurant franchises. If you really want to dine at a restaurant that encroaches on the rights of a great American company like Warner Brothers, take your business elsewhere. I hear the Chili’s in Vermillion sings “Happy Birthday to You”—and has cold flautas. 

The Bible is clear on the matter of copyright: “Thou shalt not steal.” If Warner Brothers claims it owns a song, then it is stealing to sing it. My faith teaches me copyrights are not something that man can pass around like the flu. 

I am on the right side of history. At this moment, America is leaning towards Warner Brothers not owning “Happy Birthday.” However, the nation will eventually right itself. In 50 years, Americans will look back and wonder how we ever thought such a popular song could ever belong in the public domain and not the safe embrace of a media giant. 

Our nation can still come together. This Tuesday evening, I invite everyone to join me at Chevys in Le Mars for 50%-off appetizers. Then we’ll join hands and sing “America, the Beautiful.” Well, a song like “America, the Beautiful.” I believe that particular song was wrongly placed in the public domain and in fact belongs to Sony Music. Instead, here is a patriotic song I came up with: “Country, country, we back you, from sea to sparkly sea! We wish it was July 4, because we like to be free. Olé!

President Marco Rubio's Remarks On Deaths in Oregon

October 3, 2017. Remarks From President Marco Rubio on the casualties in Oregon, resulting from a dad accidentally flying a drone into a full jet engine.

“My heart is broken, but there is nothing I can do.”

In my seven months as President, I have already had to stand before you four times giving remarks such as this one. Once again, another father eager to impress his children has accidentally flown a personal drone into a jet engine, killing all 255 innocent people on board.

I want everyone to know I wish I could do something to prevent tragedies such as this. However, drones hold a special place in our nation’s history.

Yes, our nation has a long, two-year history of allowing unfettered access to drones. Just because they are now being misused doesn’t mean we should move to incrementally limit their use. That would spit in the face of our Constitution.

What Constitutional right do I speak of? Back in February 2015, the FAA published one of our nation’s most sacred documents: the Unmanned Aerial Systems Notice of Proposed Rulemaking. This document suggested no limits on people who could fly small drones. The moment this proposal was proposed, all Americans knew this was an unchangeable document, never to be influenced by changes in lifestyle or reality.

To water down those regulations would challenge the foresight of one of America’s most beloved founding fathers, FAA Administrator from 2013-2016 Michael Huerta. Yes, I fired this great man when I became President, but only because my friend Lou Spumoni really wanted the job.

I am not suggesting we do nothing. A good use of our time would be to find new fathers who seem especially proud of their kids, and therefore more likely to try and impress them with a drone. Then we should lock them up. Such abhorrent mental behavior has no place in our society.

Always remember, it’s people who crash drones into planes. When a drone gets sucked into a jet engine, it makes no sense to think a drone had something to do with it.

Also, there are also far too many drones out there for regulation to have any significant impact. After all, there are more drones this year than there were last year. So, that’s a lot.

As I say each time we see one of these incidents where an amateur drone enthusiast takes out an airplane, our thoughts and prayers are enough. While they do nothing to prevent this carnage from being inflicted someplace else in America, thoughts and prayers let the victim’s family know we won’t trample inalienable American rights by putting limitations on who can fly machines that have proven to be quite dangerous.

God Bless America.

10 Steps to Recreate Photos From Your Youth

So you find a 25-year-old photo of you and your siblings and you're hit with an urge: Let's recreate this, except now we're all older! Here are 10 tips to ensure this photo comes out just the way you want.

1) Match the background. If your car wasn't lingering in the back for the first photo, don't leave it there this time.

2) Abandon all hope that your present or future will ever be as good as your past. Truly believe that your best moments occurred in the past and that happiness can only be obtained by recreating moments that already happened.

3) Match your outfit. If you don't fit into your original clothing, then match colors. It doesn't have to be perfect.

4) On paper, list your regrets that have brought you to this moment. If you see "staying in a loveless relationship" or "not going to enough baseball games" or "skipping trivia nights for no reason even though I love trivia," then you're on the right track!

5) Match the lighting. If pic #1 was on a sunny day, then an updated shot in the rain just won't look the same.

6) Tell yourself other people are very interested in seeing photos from your childhood.

7) Match your levels: in pic #1, who's taller? Who's closer to the camera?

8) Forget all the other photo recreations you've seen on Facebook. This activity only works if you act like you thought of this idea.

9) Take several photos. On the first one, people try too hard to match the original pose and lose the "natural" feeling.

10) In your life, always turn down opportunities to do things that would actually make good photographs: skydiving, performing, or leaving your house, for example.

A Twitter Star Gets a Movie - Meet @jk_rowling

LONDON, ENGLAND--Following in the footsteps of $#*! My Dad Says, another Twitter-user has turned a high-concept Twitter feed into a full blown script.

Warner Brothers Pictures has tapped JK Rowling, a 49-year-old single mom from Yate, United Kingdom, to write a feature film based on her popular Twitter feed, @jk_rowling.

Several years ago, Ms. Rowling began soliciting questions from readers about wizards, werewolves, and other magical creatures. Her following quickly grew, and the questions became more specific, obscure, and seemingly insignificant from a plot standpoint.

Warner Brothers took notice and signed her to a multi-million dollar deal. The studio has already revealed the name of the movie, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them.

Ms. Rowling was by no means plucked from obscurity. She is best known for the book The Cuckoo's Calling, written under her pseudonym Robert Galbraith.

Warner Brothers is keeping the plot under wraps, but sources familiar with the pitch say it won't just be people asking questions about characters' middle names or sexual orientation: "There will be other things. Dialogue and whatnot."

Facebook Notification: The Following People Have Birthdays Today But Didn't Put It On Facebook

The Person Who Doesn't Want to Clutter Their Facebook Page with Birthday Messages Because They Think a Talent Agent Might StumbleUpon It And Miss the Good Stuff Buried Beneath Birthday Greetings.

The Person Who's Testing If Their Friends Know Their Birthday.

The Person Who Knows Their Friends Don't Know Their Birthday And Can't Wait to Sulk About It.

The Person Who Made The Following Death Pact With a Young Mark Zuckerberg: "If only one of us has become a billionaire by age 30, the richer one must kill the other."

The Person Who Doesn't Know Their Birthday.

The Person Who Fears The Barrage of Birthday Wishes and Compliment Will Not Be 100% Sincere, So They Shun Facebook In Order To Have 100% Sincere In-Person Conversations Such as This: "It's Been Too Long. We Should Hang Out Sometime. Definitely. Let's Make It Happen."

What's All This Then, America? #2

I stopped by Will Hines and Erik Tanouye's podcast for the whole hour. I really enjoyed it, and I hope you will as well. Will and Erik are so good at this format. Also, Dan Chamberlain can nail any character. You should definitely subscribe: https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/whats-all-this-then-america/id699222940

What's All This Then, America - The Podcast

Scroll ahead to 46:20 in this podcast and you'll hear someone who sounds like me. It's E.B. Howe, The World's Greatest Dad.

Thanks to hosts Will Hines and Eric Tanouye. By the way, this is my favorite new podcast, and you should catch up on the all the episodes.

Ask Me Another

I was on NPR's Ask Me Another recently, taped at the Bell House in Brooklyn.​

The audience was pleasant, but wisely turned on me when I got an obvious movie trivia question wrong.​